It's Hard Being Strong
by Oomaki-chan
Summary: He couldn't take it anymore. He was tired of being hated, tired of being alone, tired of everything. It was time for him to bring an end to everything.
1. The End

Rin sat alone in the darkness of his room, his back pressed against his bed. He didn't even bother turning the lights on anymore, the way the room would become so bright did nothing hurt his eyes. With Yukio out running some more boring errands, and Kuro off playing, Rin was entirely alone in the large run-down dorm room. Alone, just like how he always felt.

His whole life he had felt ridiculed, hated, ostracized. Any of those fit perfectly. Sure he hadn't known why as a kid, but growing up was one of the hardest things in the world for him. He had never been able to control his own strength, so everyone was scared of him, or even just plain old hated him. He was insulted, he was teased, he was labeled a demon. Who would have guessed that all of those people were right? After finding out the truth about his relation to Satan his life just got worse. He had begun living in constant fear that someone would find out. He had only just started making friends, even if they didn't all get along at first. The others in his cram school class had become crutches that would keep from falling to the floor. It was like they were the only things he looked forward to in life. When his cover was blown, Rin had been crushed. Once again, he watched as people turned their backs on him. They hated him.

Thinking back to a few days before, Rin remembered when he stepped into the class room. Konekomaru had been shaking the whole time, Bon did nothing but insult him and refer to him as 'Satan's bastard son', even Shima wouldn't look him in the eye. It was as if his worst nightmare had come true. The 'special treatment', the hatred filled glares, he couldn't stand it.

He wrapped his arms around his legs, bending them to bury his face in his knees. He could feel his eyes watering, about to overflow. As the tears began to run down his cheeks, Rin bit onto his lip. His shoulders were trembling and the room was filled with nothing but the sound of his sniffing, trying to choke back what he could. It was horrible. He felt alone, and even worse, scared.

Rin lowered his right hand and grabbed onto the handle of a small kitchen knife. He raised his head slowly and brought the shaking hand up, gulping down some of the saliva that was building up in his mouth. Rin lifted up his left arm and clenched his fist, positioning the thin blade right in front of wrist. He began to slowly press the blade into his skin, watching with wet eyes as beads of blood formed around the blade before dripping down his arm. Rin continued sobbing to the darkness of the room, holding the blade in place, as he felt the hot crimson liquid run down his slightly cooler skin, some of it dripping onto his pants or floor. After a moment longer, Rin pulled the knife away, more blood gushing out of the wound due to the sudden loss of something to block it. As his arm began to be stained red, Rin could already feel his demonic abilities kicking in, working to close up the wound he had inflicted on himself.

He was absolutely worthless, wasn't he? No matter how many times he cut himself, beat himself up, or slit his own wrists, it would always heal without even a scare left behind. Rin could spill as much of his own blood as he wanted, but in the end he would get nothing out of it other than a stained shirt and the need to clean the floor before his brother came home. He would never let Yukio see him in this state. He was supposed to be the strong older brother who could protect the younger. The funny guy who was all smiles. The idiot who would never do his work and fell asleep in class. Even if Rin tried to tell someone, he doubted anyone would believe him. After all, he was supposed to be the overly optimistic one. There's no way he could be like this. Right?

Unfortunately for Rin, life didn't work that way. Or at least, not for the son of the devil. Rin whipped his eyes with his clean arm and pushed himself off of the cold wood floor. He went over to his desk, pulling out the chair and sitting down. He opened a random notebook and ripped a piece of lined paper out, then grabbed a pencil out of the container on his desk. After making sure the still wet blood didn't get on the desk, he began to write.

It was a letter to Yukio. Apologizing for being an idiot, for not paying attention in class, for not listening to him, for not being a good brother, and for everything he had done. He wrote about some of the good things that had happened and the times they had spent with their father. He wrote about how he had never been able to tell anyone what he really felt, and how he knew he was breaking down. How he couldn't handle it anymore.

As he wrote this letter to his brother, more tears began spilling over his cheeks, dripping down onto the paper. Rin shut his eyes as tight as he could and covered them with the hand he had been writing with, cursing himself for being so weak. He took a deep breath, calming himself down before biting down on his left hand as he continued. His sharp teeth easily cut through the skin on his hand and the taste of blood soon flooded his mouth.

He didn't just write to his brother. He wrote to Shiemi, to Bon, to Izumi, to Mephisto, everyone he knew. He filled each letter with all of the things he wished he could have said, all of the things he wished he could take back. He made sure each one would know just how important they were to him. He tried to keep them from becoming too sad for even him to read, he didn't want anyone to feel guilty. It wasn't anyone's fault that he was like this, no one's but his own.

After signing his name at the bottom, Rin took a minute to just stare at the papers. He opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a small paper bag and a bottle of water. Taking the bag, water, and letters with him, he went back to his spot on the floor, sitting so the puddle of blood was next to him. He laid the letters down in a stack on his bed, where anyone who looked over would see them, and placed the water on the floor before opening the bag and pulling out a jar.

It wasn't hard to get the medicine. All he had to do was say that Yukio needed some and he got it right away. Rin felt horrible, using not only his own brother, but Shiemi as well for this kind of thing. But he needed to. He felt like he had no other choice. The pills inside the jar were sleeping pills with holy water in them. Usually they would be mixed into a rampaging demon's food and they would do nothing but put them to sleep. But, if a demon took enough of them, it would become deadly.

Rin spat in disgust of himself. He really was a demon. Human sleeping pills wouldn't work. His body was able to clean those out of his system with no problem. He needed something to kill demons, because that's all he was now. He was nothing but a demon now. Both in blood and body. He was treated like one. There was no way he could live a human's life. Not now and not ever. To him, there was nothing left for him. Beat Satan? That was just a ploy he used to try and keep himself alive. Sure, it may have been his ambition when he first said it, and it definitely sounded impressive, but just as easily as he had decided he would, he decided it was impossible. Who was he kidding anyways?

He opened to bottle and poured a handful of pills into his hand. Just one was enough to stop a goblin, two would kill one. So this many was sure to do the job. If it didn't then he would just have to clean everything up and pretend nothing had happened. He had had to do that before.

Rin lifted his hand up to his mouth. He could feel himself shaking, but he just wanted to end it. He couldn't take this world anymore. He took a moment to mutter one last apology to everyone before he opened his mouth and dropped the pills inside. He quickly grabbed the water bottle and began gulping it down, the pills going with it. As he felt the last pill go down, he knew this was it. He saw pictures of everyone he knew flashing through his head. He saw them smiling, laughing, and even crying. He felt himself saying his last good-byes to all of them.

Tears streamed down his cheeks once more, and soon he was no longer able to sit up. He fell onto his side, hitting his head against the floor but not feeling a thing. It became harder for him to breathe and was soon panting. His body was getting cold, matching the temperature of the hard floor beneath him. The only thing he could feel was the awkward wetness of blood on his legs, from the puddle that had previously been there. But soon, even that feeling faded away along with his sight. Now it was dark, and Rin knew for a fact, that everything was gone.

For a moment he thought he had heard Yukio calling out to him, but he knew that couldn't be real. Not that it even mattered anymore. Rin let out a sigh, the last of his air leaving his lungs. His heart stopped pumping and everything inside of him shut down.

The room was dark and quite. The lights were off, and the curtains were shut. Not a single thing moved. Rin's lifeless body lay on the ground, blood surrounding his arm and legs, a near empty water bottle standing next to a bottle of medicine that had fallen onto its side, pills spilled out on the floor. Rin's body was pale and cold. At that moment it became official. He was dead.


	2. To Yukio

_To Yukio,_

_Hey there little bro. I'm not gonna lie, this is pretty hard to write. Cause chances are, if you're reading this then that means either you found this hidden in the room somewhere, or….well…..yeah. Either way, I'm screwed aren't I? Haha. So the whole point of this letter, and all the others here, is just to sort of say all the stuff that was on my mind. Sorry if I start rambling on about some pointless stuff. I'm really just doing this on a whim. Kind of like one of those things you're supposed to do, you know? _

_Basically, I wanted to say sorry. I know it's gotta be hard for you to find me like this. You are the one who found me right? I did it in our room so I'm only guessing. But if you weren't, then I think I'd be a little happier knowing you didn't have to see me. Sorry, let me get back on track. I'm sorry I left you alone like this. I know that after Father died it's pretty much felt like it was just you and me. Brothers against the world and all. I know you're able to take care of yourself though, I can at least feel reassured about that. Knowing you're an exorcist helps. No matter what happens, you've got all the others both in the school and other exorcists with you. _

_Sorry for not telling you about this too. I didn't want you to feel like it was your fault, or worry you or anything like that. I didn't want anyone else to have to feel like this, so I didn't tell anyone. If you're wondering how it came to this though, I don't really know. I've always felt like everyone hated me, probably cause most people did, but I think it was after Father died and the whole 'son of Satan' thing came around that it really hit. It was great when I first came to True Cross. I actually made friends, started having fun, I felt like one of those teenagers from all those TV shows. It was really fun. But then it got harder to hide my flames, and then everyone found out. They started hating me again. I'm pretty sure that's what really drove me over. _

_So I know this may be kind of off topic sounding, but remember when we were kids, and Father helped us make those snowmen? I think that's probably my favorite memory. We didn't have any coal so we went around looking for real buttons to use. Don't tell anyone, but I actually took a lot of them from Father's jacket. Haha. I think they're still lying around somewhere. I know I kept them in a box in our room, but I didn't bring them to school with us. I almost wish I could have gone back and gotten them. _

_I've got to be honest with you, although in the long run I'd say my life sucked, it was pretty fun at times. Sure I was surprised when I found out that you were my teacher and an exorcist, but it was actually really cool. I really respected you. You're cool and smart. A lot of stuff I'm sure as hell not. Also it was awesome when you let me tag along on missions with you. Sure most of the time I just followed you, but you never sent me away. Or at least, you weren't able to before it was too late. You're a cool guy._

_Thank you. You were always there for me. You were always taking care of me. Thanks to you I was able to meet everyone in the cram school, although I guess I would have met them either way. I wouldn't have met Shiemi though, probably. Honestly, I was always jealous about how she liked you so much. It made me a bit mad sometimes. And every now and then I would want to yell at you about it. But at the same time, it put me at ease. Because of that, I knew you would have someone who cares for you at all times. I'm thankful to Shiemi for that. So, thanks. For everything._

_There's so much I wanted to say to you. A lot that couldn't be written down in one letter. I actually kept a notebook full of stuff. I hid it under my mattress, so feel free to look for it if you like. But the most important thing is this. Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that I ended up like this and it never will be. Knowing you, you'll probably go blame yourself. So promise me you won't. I want you to live a good life, ok? Get out of this run down dorm building and go live with the other students with a roommate that'll annoy the hell out of you, but you'll be friends with anyways. Go get a girlfriend. There's got to be at least one girl in that fan club of yours that you'll like. Or maybe you could go for Shiemi. She's cute and I'm sure she likes you. Lastly, go be the best doctor you can be. I know that being a doctor has always been a dream of yours, and I'm a bit bummed I couldn't see it happen. But I already know that you're one kick butt exorcist. I'm happy enough knowing I got to see you become something. _

_Don't feel too bad about this. I don't know what'll happen to me once I'm gone, but if I end up a ghost or something, I'm haunting your sorry butt until. Maybe one day I'll see you in hell. I don't think heaven's an option for me. I guess I can't really say 'see ya', so I don't know how to end this. So I guess 'good bye' is probably the way to go. _

_Bye little bro. _

_Rin_

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Tears were streaming down Yukio's face. Droplets of the liquid dripped from his chin onto the papers he gripped in his hands. He sat on top of his bed, a blanket hanging loosely over his shoulders. He wanted to crumple up the papers. He wanted to burn them. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. These were his own brother's last words. As painful as it was, he needed to treasure them.

Looking across the floor of the stuffy, dark dorm room that he had once shared, he stared at the spot on the floor he had found his brother lying on just the day before. He could still see the outline of Rin's lifeless body. How it had looked and felt so cold. How he had been so limp, even when Yukio had shaken him to try and wake him up. How his blood was even cold after it had been puddled on the cold wood for what could very well have been hours.

Yukio could still feel the same panic he had felt when he had come home that night. The blood, the medicine, Rin. The sight seemed to be carved into his brain. Everything from opening the door to sitting in the hospital after he had called for help. He could still see the all-white hallway that he had sat in, with his head in his hands. The horror of being told that there was nothing the doctors could have done. The pain that struck with the realization that his brother was gone.

Today Yukio was supposed to move out of this room and into the actual first-year dorm building. He had gone in to get his bags. That's when he discovered the letters. The moment he had seen them, he burst into tears. The moment he read his, it just became worse. Move on? Don't blame yourself? How was he supposed to do that? Of course he couldn't move on! His own brother had been feeling so horrible that he had to take his own life, and he hadn't even noticed that Rin had been upset. He thought that everything was going to be ok, even after his secret had been discovered.

Yukio whipped his eye and stood up from his bed. He slowly made his way across the room, entering what had once been Rin's side. He carefully stepped around the patch of wood Rin had been lying on, and made it to the bed. He lifted up the mattress and found a notebook. It was clearly a class notebook that Rin had never used, the word 'history' had even been scribbled out. Knowing without a doubt that this had been the notebook that Rin had written about in the letter addressed to him. Yukio slipped the notebook in his bag, along with all of the letters.

His eyes red and swollen, with no more tears to shed, Yukio looked into the room. All that was in it was Rin's things. All of the stuff he was going to go through at a later date. His side of the room was completely cleared. The boxes had already been sent to what would be his new room. With his head hung low, his bangs creating a shadow over his eyes, Yukio turned off the light and closed the door. It was really over.


End file.
